It Feels Good to be Back


Hey, Courtney, how's the blog?



When I was hit with this question, it was out of pure support, but I felt almost embarrassed that I was not continuing to go strong with my content creation.


When I started CourtdotComm, I was in my senior year of college, full hot girl glow. But at the same time, I felt the end of the world I knew approaching, the impending doom of separating from college friends that I knew would go far and wide, because that's what I was about to do too. I was overwhelmed with uncertainty of if COVID wouldn't ruin my plans to study abroad, or if I would have a job waiting for me when I returned. Not only that, but I was leaning into an avoidant bliss of having the most fun traveling and spending money without a thought of how things would turn out. In short, I was in my f**k it bag, and feeling like a real life rock star. I began to worry that my carelessness would show in my blog, a space where I always wanted to be mindful, inquisitive, and introspective. Courtdotcomm is my safe space. And truthfully, I wasn't ready to be that honest with myself. At first, my pause was to really just live life and be present enough to obtain a perspective that I could share with those near and far. Then, it became a reminder that I was mentally not feeling like the “blogger bae” I wanted to be. I was getting the outreach and opportunities I wanted, but I wasn’t ready.




Prime example of me avoiding my worries...on a yacht in Miami.

 

Reflecting on the past year, I still really cannot believe the immense joy, love, and abundance I experienced, while also experiencing internal strife, self-doubt, and an incessant lost feeling. You know the saying that says every peak will have two valleys? Well, I was peaking for literally months, and then flopped like a one hit wonder.


Since we last saw each other, I’ve graduated from college, (woo!) had an adventurous summer filled with the most exciting and eye-opening friend-cations, nights that lasted till the morning, an indescribable semester in Spain, and so much healing, love, and growth.




I started to write for another blog called A Little Louder Co., a WOC-ran start-up focusing on uplifting and being an outlet of joy for women of color. My confidence was out the roof, my travel thirst thoroughly quenched, mind at ease. Approaching my 23rd birthday, life was absolutely gorgeous. I was SO happy. My curiosity was at a peak, and I was learning so much about myself and the world around me.


BUT


Immediately after the bliss of life abroad, I came back home to the suburbs of Chicago to plan my next steps. And let me tell you, post-grad depression is real, post-abroad depression is real, but I tried channeling my frustrations of job searching and being, well, broke, into pushing to my next peak. I knew that the only way to avoid falling into a deep depressive episode was to find purpose. I was terrified of becoming stagnant. I cried a lot, ate a lot, and quite literally hid from the outside world. I would avoid even going out to Target, because I was haunted by the fact that I would run into someone that I knew and have to tell them that I didn’t have my life together. I was embarrassed that I didn’t have a job, that I was all dreams with no action. It tore at my confidence. I was binge eating, avoiding catch-up calls with friends, I was truly miserable and felt trapped in a cage of my past life. I was that girl in high school, in college, and now I was "just Courtney".

Just when I thought I had it all figured out, I had to once again figure out how to love and nurture that girl without a title or school name to validate me.

So I set out on yet another journey to lock in and embody that girl in a way that was a bit more permanent. I started waking up at 9 am everyday to get on LinkedIn to job search. I arranged my sublease of housing before I even knew that I had a job in LA waiting for me. I started practicing daily yoga and bringing back daily meditation. I started to tell my truth when people asked me, “how’s life?”, because I needed to get comfortable with the feeling of not having it all figured out. I started tutoring Spanish, I began to work as a campaign coordinator for a California Senate campaign, I was determined to GRIND. I knew I wanted to get back to LA, I wanted my life to start and feel like I had an ounce of control on the direction. And that’s when I got my job offer.



But this fairytale didn’t play out nearly as I expected. I lived in LA an entire month before I was approved to start working due to all sorts of delays with paperwork and background checks. I think that God needed to humble me and remind me that doing the work of healing and grounding yourself doesn’t just end when we reach a checkpoint. I was thinking, “I’m so tired of being broke in LA!” But, alas, I had to make. that. sh*t. work. *insert hand claps* I was not going back home, I had to take control over what I could and move forward. I hit a lot of low days, but deep within I just knew everything would be okay.


This is my first post from the “ashes” of writer’s block, and I just feel so blessed to be in a position where I can say that I’m growing more comfortable with the concept of uncertainty. Deepak Chopra says, “In the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom from our past, from the known, from the prison of the past conditioning. Uncertainty is the fertile ground of creativity and freedom.” (7 Spiritual Laws to Success)

Now, 2 months into my big girl job in community health and health administration at Kaiser Permanente, I feel like I can breathe again. I’m in a new chapter, and even though it's at times chaotic, I can literally feel the creativity bubbling up in me for the first time in a really long time.


When I started this blog I was looking for a way to tell my story, my truth, and encourage others to explore themselves to seek theirs. I have to be authentic in all that I do, and it has not been until this very moment and season in my life that I feel called to do so again. Thank you to my community for rocking with me and supporting my vision even when I didn’t have the clarity. This life thing, TUH, she's a beautiful, dark, and unpredictable thing. The desire to always progress can feel impossible sometimes, and so American, might I add to feel like we have to be little worker bees or climbing some damn ladder. However if God, if the Universe, wanted us to live mundane lives, we would not possess the blessing of having vision. We wouldn't be the spiritual creatures we are forever seeking both change and belonging.


I have an elaborate "end" destination, but I’m taking whatever road or pitstop feels right, because that’s my business. I'm excited to share the good and the ugly, and remind those around me that they aren't alone in feeling the things they do. Courtdotcomm is here and elevating. It feels so good to be back.